Uh, no, I have other plans.Charlie: Why are you looking at me like that?Although, you are the common denominator.
Alan: Oh God, yes.Jake: I thought Uncle Charlie liked Chelsea.Alan: Hey, I did not sell you out for a watch.Then when they reconciled, Herb nailed Judith.Berta: Sunny side up.Alan: A movie would be fine.The women, the drinking.
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Jake: Hi, Dad, bye, Mom, good luck, Herb.Jake: You know, they can be prevented by using a condom.Alan: No, that was my Munster Mobile.Charlie: Since when do you drink hard liquor?Charlie: With a woman, Alan.Chelsea: Did you ask if he wants to go to the movies with us?Jake: Have I met this woman before?
You paint with vomit!Charlie: That boy was nothing like me.Charlie: Did you try calling your daughter?Charlie: Yes, but not your own.Miss Pasternak: Eternal damnation is no laughing matter.Your penis is no match for my technology.
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Have something in common, before we jump into bed.Charlie: So what have you been up to?We really made a connection, and it is not just physical.What is wrong with them?Maybe take a cab home.Judith Ithcariot, who thold our Lord for thirty piethes of thilver.Sorry, I get the fancy words from my dad.
Herb: Oh, that is better!Jake: Oh, now I want one.The paramedics zipped him up in a big plastic bag.Your brother should be surrounded by friends and family.Herb: Well, it worked out great.Charlie: Think of it as a bra for your balls.
That guy could sure split the uprights.Judith: Herb and I are going to have a baby.Do they have a college prep program?You said I had to get in touch with my feelings and express them with the people I care about.Stainless steel submariner, waterproof up to 300 meters, and look, it winds itself.The old Charlie from way back this morning!Whatever do you mean?
Charlie: Ooh, insult to injury.So you actually wanna be with him?You come get your Uncle Charlie.Got it on eBay.Alan: Oh, oh, this?
Is this about money?You can get in for half price.Are you sure you wanna waste it on Alan?Charlie: My brother should be surrounded by a SWAT team.Charlie: Berta, hide the vacuum cleaner!
Alan: What is wrong with you?What else would I be worried about?Alan: Hey, watch your mouth!The miracle of birth.Alan: No, that you can so easily lie to my face.Jake to know about me and Judith.How do you like your eggs?
And do I have any brothers and sisters?Well, either way, you made the yearbook.Charlie: I know we could have prevented you by using a condom.Charlie: Gone the way of the dodo bird, my friend.His tiny wooden head is in your hands.
Melissa: It is like I have known him all my life.Herb: Yeah, how did you know?Explain it to me, Alan, help me understand.Judith: I was afraid of being forty years old and being all by myself, but dying alone has got to be better than being stuck with you.Charlie: Chelsea, we agreed that you only get one of those a month.
Alan: Do you even know what a cathouse is?Son of a bitch!Alan: The money you promised to pay back today.Alan: I want my forty dollars!Charlie: Then go lick a book!
You know how they say you can be alone, but not lonely?You sold me out for a watch!Mexico and bury yourself in the desert.Alan: At the risk of tooting my own horn, I am actually seeing two different women.Wish I was going with you!
Alan: Oh, I was just, uh, uh, telling your uncle about this, uh, this great, uh, cartoon.Chelsea: So you think we should stop having sex?Alan: Boy, it seems like just yesterday we were at this same hospital waiting for little Jake to arrive.Charlie: I put a diamond ring in your champagne glass!Herb: I knew it as soon as it came out of my mouth.
Alan: Oh, oh, I am very much a fun guy.So, Charlie, how did you sleep last night?Charlie: Smack your kid for me.Alan: Again, none of my business.Why Are You Doing This to Me?
Alan: Where are you going?Jake: You know what you could call it?Did it have to be my red chiffon?Charlie: Stupid tiny disclaimer on the side of the box.Charlie: Everything work out at the office?Try to keep this one away from the lead paint.
Charlie: So, once again, what are you up to?My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish buttwipes.Charlie: Is that the one I tried to make a bong out of?Jake: What if I flunk out?Alan: Wow, this just keeps getting better and better, huh?
Jerome: She left her cell phone at the house.Evelyn: Obviously, too much.Charlie: With your tongue?Charlie: You like round numbers, do you?Charlie: Go, my son, drizzle thy frosting on the divorced sticky buns of the Valley!Gordon: Well, no, not all of me.
Alan: I feel like the universe is playing some horrible practical joke on me.You should be ashamed of yourselves.Jake: Maybe she has an STD.Alan: Story of my life: No boner goes unpunished.Gordon: No, no, I do.Charlie: Is it ridiculous to want the turds in my bathroom to be human?
Jerome: For a placekicker!Jake: Yeah, they should put your face on money.This is, uh, just a new hobby.Charlie: This is a Rolex!Alan: Oh, oh right.Side effects may include nausea, headaches, dry mouth, blurred vision, dizziness, anal leakage, kidney failure, and massive stroke.
You still have a fax machine?Charlie: What are you doing?Evelyn: Well, we can rule out the Ivy League.Charlie: Says the other gonad.Jake: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.Miss Bush come out?Alan: Yes, it is.
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Herb: What about you?Cold, flu, something disgusting.Herb: No, she kicked my ass out.Now we gotta use a hammer.Seven and a half months of bad.She lives next door.Herb: Whatever happened to pubic hair?
Yes, yes, my car has been stolen.Evelyn: Why am I not surprised?Alan: OK, now you are starting to sound like my mother.Alan: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.When we finished, I CAME TO LIVE ON YOUR COUCH!Jake: In an Easter basket.
Alan: And you wonder why Chelsea dumped you.It sounds like quitting time in Bedrock.Get to know someone.Evelyn: For the Ivy League.One: If at all possible, ladies first.Charlie: Ordering a pizza and going home.Alan: Fortunately, typing is a job skill and peeing is not.
Alan: Well, not exactly, but, uh, we did keep it above the waist.Charlie: Damn right, your bad.Charlie: Her waist or yours?Charlie: No, I mean the internal combustion, ROSE!You want me to leave?
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What do I do?Charlie: Do you want a better relationship with him?Jake: I am watching it.Where do I work?Melissa: I want to thank you all for coming to celebrate this wonderful occasion.He drops the sign and runs after it.
Miss Pasternak: Do you want your son to go to Hell, Alan?Uncle Charlie is, at heart, a sleazeball.Bobby: And for you, sir?Alan: Go read a book.Charlie: Hey, you crap where I live!Alan: That was you?
Uh, Daffy Duck and the Greateth Sthory Ever Told.Do I have to give the car back?First base off the top of my head, second base in my ear.Alan: Yeah, well, what are you gonna do?Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems.Charlie: Oh, hey Gordon!
How can you live with yourself, you horrible, evil man?Alan: Oh, come on, Charlie, play along.Alan: Oh, you poor guy.Chelsea: I was thirsty!And third and most important: the ten seconds it takes to put on a condom beats the hell out of the ten years you have to pretend to like soccer.Alan: Are you calling me anal?Jake: You should have seen it, Berta.
What do you need it for?You must be so proud.Something you need to do before this gets out of hand.Mother: I have pictures of myself dressed in a forest rangers uniform and have absolutely no memory of being a forest ranger.TV series original centered around a hip single bachelor whose lifestyle is interrupted when his newly separated brother and his son move in.Charlie: Scrambled it is.Charlie: Wait by the car.
How could I blow another marriage?You never go out to have fun, because you know why?What religion was I raised in?Let her get to know me.Just a little kissing, and.Stop yelling at me!
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Alan: How much are you paying him?Maybe there should be one child left behind.Two of the three things you want in a woman.Uh, uh, one sec.Herb: Well, uh, remember that advice you gave me about how to handle Judith?Chelsea: What the hell did I just swallow?Nothing gets in, nothing gets out.
Not a single vowel in his entire name!Charlie: How do you figure?Gordon: Why stop now?Charlie: Can you believe she wants me to schlep all the way over to her place just so we can spend the night together?Alan: I doubt it.Charlie: Is that so?
Alan: Did you hear?Charlie: Actually, I would.Berta: And I love you, too.Charlie: Mom, have you thought this through?Berta: OK, what kind of Martha Stewart freak show you got going on up there?Alan: What new will?Chelsea finds me witty and urbane.
Mom is taking care of Jake, I can spend my time doing the things that give me joy.Jake: Give me the keys.Gordon: Yeah, two years.Alan: Yeah, well, I find round numbers easier to remember.Dancer: Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.Ballpeen or claw hammer?Bobby: Not a problem.
Jake: You might wanna hang back a sec.How do you like your eggs?Alan, get in here!Charlie: What the hell is your mom, a rabid werewolf who craps hot lava on people?Now, be honest with me, Charlie.
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Charlie: Wait in the car.Melissa: Charlie asked me to stay the weekend.It was her little nickname for my, uh.You guys have no sense of humor.Evelyn: Not the way he is now!
Jake: It looked like one of those things that delivery guys use to keep pizza hot.So, the only thing we know for sure is that despite all outward appearances, Judith is a slut.And He will strike down the blasphemers and the disbelievers with fury and bloodsoaked vengeance!Do you feel lucky, dumbass?Charlie: Alan, you had a perfect night of revenge sex.
GOD BLESS COUPLES COUNSELING!Alan: Should we really risk more brain damage?Charlie: Alan, you got a little evil on your face.Alan: For the last time, I use it to get lint off my trousers.All we know is that when Judith and Herb broke up, you nailed Judith.Charlie: Bastard set me up!
Alan: I understand your concern, and trust me, I will be very careful.Charlie: You know what the problem is?Now this picture here is toward the end of my labor.Alan: I had this model when I was little, remember?Charlie: Hey, who drinks champagne like that?Chelsea: Said he had some sort of meeting.
He ditched me when I started throwing up, the bat rastard.Jake: She looks familiar.Bobby: Is everything all right, Mr.Herb: Oh, yeah, I mean, uh, why chew on one chicken wing when you can eat from the whole bucket?Although the physical part is amazing!
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What the hell is going on around here?Charlie: And a college education.Judith: OH, MY FREAKING GOD!You drink, you gamble, you have different women here practically every night.Alan: Blond, busty, and bombed?You want a drink?
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Charlie: Oh, yeah, Grl Zrbnck.Do you trim the old hedges?Alan: You ever wonder about people who can poop in a gas station?Evelyn: Alan, darling, you were always the good son.Herb: Oh, well, if you speak to her, tell her I said hi.
Charlie: Sure, you do.Jake: Then how will I wait in the car?Herb: You talk much to Judith?Berta: Is that so?Alan: Classic Warner Brothers animation.Charlie: What are you, Noël Coward?
Charlie: Staple guns do not staple shoes to coffee tables, Alan.Charlie: Where you going?Charlie: Look at him.Herb: And that the time we spent together is very special to me and if she needs anything, uh, just call me.Jake: Are you kidding?Charlie: Alan, I have always conducted my sex life according to three simple principles.
Jake: You take a cab home.Alan: It started for me.Alan: Oh hey, good idea!Charlie: Then wait under the car.Alan: Well, there you go.
Alan: Building an original 1978 Firebird.Charlie: Oh, come on, Chelsea!Alan: If you want dessert, have an apple.Chelsea: What do you want me to do, Charlie?Alan: I guess after pushing out his enormous head, this one will be like spitting a watermelon seed.Alan: I mean, is a tornado evil when it rips up a mobile home and throws it into an orphanage?
Charlie: You think so?Alan: Is this a bad time?Alan: Come on, Charlie, please do not crap where I work.Charlie, Stephanie wants to see me tonight, but I already made a date with Katie.When he comes back, just do it.Yeah, Alan, you got a date?
Grand Dragon and above Exalted Cyclops.Jake: What are you talking about?Alan: Just a guess.Chelsea: That was a ring I just swallowed?You need me to keep Chelsea off your back.Charlie: Boy you really blew it this time.Nice, tight circular shape.
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What book are you reading again?Jake: Down to the pier with Celeste.Alan: I know the feeling.Alan: This is so nice.Alan: We need to get rid of the staple gun.
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Alan: Just let him go, Charlie, this is between you and me.Miss Pasternak: Sunday is not a me day, sunday is a He day!What did your wife call yours?Jake: You think you have to wear a jockstrap in Hell?Charlie: Have him show you the one where he sticks his head up there.Charlie: Only you can gay up banging two women.
Charlie and Alan: I love you!Alan: Your uncle helped invent them.Charlie: It was amazing.The guy who played Shaft?May God have mercy on your souls.How long is this whole grounding thing gonna go on for?There were plenty of medications that would have turned me into a happy little potato but would you prescribe them no.
Jake: I vote for cathouse.Oh, my God, you guys!Alan: Oh, you mean Rose?What do you think I was worried about?Charlie: You mean a different monkey.Does, uh, Chelsea have a cold?Alan: Do me a favor.
So, chop chop, washy washy!Jake: That means poker or strip club.What kind of music do I like?Charlie: And you went with wings rather than breasts and thighs?Jerome: Oh, that is a terrible name for a penis.
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And after I blew out my knee, my wife left me.Back to the Future.Alan: Oh, uh, here, let me, uh, move the snickerdoodles.Chelsea: Alan was just showing me his butt exercises.Charlie: Because there are things inside of me I need to kill.Charlie: You thought Chelsea might be.
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Charlie: Hey, Berta, where do we keep the spaghetti strainer thingy?Jake: Pretty cool, huh?Alan: Since right now.Jerome: A little tiny dude from Serbia.Jake: Is that good?Jake: See you later.How do you like your eggs?
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How could this happen?No, tell me again.Charlie: Get a good earful?Charlie: Your body is also telling you that alcohol is poison.They should put it in big letters right on the reservoir tip.Berta: Just in case tragedy strikes, be prepared to clear your crap out of here in 48 hours.Charlie: Manage to keep your hands off Really Little Annie Fanny?
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Herb: What do you say, Alan?Charlie: No, no, no, you just got here!Staying home all alone on a Friday night.Charlie: God, I love your mom.Oh, got a date?An ice cream truck turns the corner on which Jake is located.Jake: Not funny, Dad.